How To Make a Mess Of an E-commerce Business?
Launching an eCommerce website is simple. All you need to do is find some hosting, throw up the website, link it up to a payment processor and type in your product descriptions.
It doesn’t take long to get started, and once the site is up there, it will run itself!
Here’s a step by step guide to getting an eCommerce business up and running.
Use The Cheapest Host You Can Find
Why pay for expensive hosting? A cheap host will still do the job. Sure, the host will lock down your account for excessive resource usage if you ever get more than five visitors a day, but since you weren’t planning on promoting your website anyway, what does that matter?
Design Is For Girls
Hire a website designer? Why? Nobody cares about what websites look like these days, all they care about is getting their mitts on the product they’re after.
It doesn’t matter that it takes 45 clicks to navigate the nightmare that is your stock e-commerce solution, if someone wants your product, they’ll do it!
Secure Payment Is For Technophobes
Only paranoid customers are going to refuse to hand over their payment details. Who needs secure order forms? They’re too complicated to set up, and the companies that do secure payment processing want to take a fee from you!
Who cares that you’ll get more buyers if your site looks secure and professional? You want 100% of the money from the one or two people crazy enough to send their details via plain text.
Packaging? Not My Problem!
What’s wrong with sending products in cheap brown envelopes? They cost a tenth of the money that jiffy bags do, and postage fees are lower too. Storing cardboard boxes is a pain, and couriers want you to pay silly money to ship those things.
Sure, cardboard boxes might offer a bit more protection for the product, but it’s not your product any more once you’ve shipped it, so who cares?
Order Tracking? Be Patient Darn It!
Order tracking features serve only to irritate consumers, everyone knows that! Why spam people with notifications saying “Thank you for your order”, and “Your order has been picked” then “Your order has been shipped and will arrive on Tuesday”.
No-one actually wants that. When someone places an order they can take time off every day in the expected arrival window, even if that means wasting an entire week.
After all, if they weren’t willing to put their life on hold waiting for the product, they wouldn’t have ordered it, would they?
Customers Just Get In The Way
Those annoying customers that ring up to whine about how they expected their orders sent in padded jiffy bags are just annoying old wind bags. You don’t have to send them a refund or a replacement.
It doesn’t matter that they’ll report you for violating their consumer rights, and that they’ll tell all their friends about their experience. There are plenty of other customers where they came from.